Last week’s post on the Crushing Burden of Divorce generated more than a little push-back, both in the comments section of the post itself (which was cross-posted on our companion church site) and on Facebook.  This is entirely expected.  There is a veritable ocean of suffering surrounding divorce in our nation.  The pain of the process itself has scarred millions, and millions have made sinful choices that they simply cannot (or choose not) to face.  There is a desperate urge to rationalize, especially as the concept of “taking up your cross” suddenly means that you no longer see the possibility of happiness in your most intimate relationships.

Marriage is particularly fragile not just because of very real cultural changes in the Body of Christ, but because of a key (and catastrophic) legal change — the institution of no-fault divorce.  The real-world consequence?  While it takes two people to get married and stay married, it only requires one to divorce.  Consequently, a spouse committed to upholding the Biblical model of marriage is absolutely helpless in the face of a spouse committed to leaving.  And so the heartbreak deepens, as the sting of betrayal is amplified by helplessness in the face of a legal process that not only fails to preserve or protect marriage but also is officially and doctrinally indifferent to the justice of the situation.

And so we’re faced with an enabling church and an enabling legal system — two escape hatches that are all too tempting in times of distress.  The enabling church (including, sadly, many pastors and Christian peers) argue that various real or imagined spousal sins are the “equivalent” of adultery or the “equivalent” of abandonment.  The enabling church tells you that “God’s best” or “God’s plan” is not the cross but a happy life, a joyful life.  And the enabling legal system is all too ready to take your check, put you in the system and process your (sometimes) very fast, and (occasionally) very cheap divorce.

I have no doubt that most spouses are indeed happier after they divorce.  In fact, that’s exactly what the numbers say.  But there’s a dark side to this happiness:

A more troubling picture emerged from studies of larger populations and from tracing the effects on children over time. It turned out there was no trickle down of psychological benefits from mothers to their children. Even though 80 percent of men and 50 percent of women felt their lives were better after divorce, the effects on children were disastrous. By almost every measure, children in divorced families fared worse: emotional problems, early sexual experimenting, dropping out of school, delinquency, teen pregnancy, and drug use.

Remarriage was no solution; children in stepfamilies were two to three times more likely than their counterparts to suffer emotional and behavioral problems and twice as likely to have learning problems.

Long-term studies by Judith Wallerstein and others argue that the impact of divorce on children is cumulative. Even 15 years after their parents’ divorce, many children are emotionally troubled, occupationally aimless, and unable to sustain a relationship with someone of the opposite sex. Their parents’ inability to sustain the relationship that counted most to them and the subsequent loss of connection to their fathers seem to have eroded these young peoples’ sense of identity and ability to trust others and commit themselves.

How, you ask, can parents be so much happier when their children are so much worse off?  Wouldn’t the emotional and sexual collapse of their own children cripple the parents’ emotional well being?  Not if they long ago shifted their life priorities — away from the Biblical model of self-denial and to the world’s model of personal fulfillment.

Christians who stand for literal biblical truth are often accused of our culture’s two worst sins: Judgmentalism and hypocrisy.  Yet there’s a difference between judgment and reading comprehension.  When God limits divorce to very narrow and explicit circumstances, He has made the judgment.  Communicating that judgment is merely an act of reading and repeating His word.  Nor am I pretending my marriage is perfect.  I’m fallen and sinful and sometimes treat my wife terribly.  I need grace every single day.  Yet one’s marriage does not have to be perfect to call for biblical obedience.  In fact, if we waited for perfect messengers, we’d have no messengers at all.

To all the angry and distraught commentators, I understand that there is much pain in your lives and in your marriages.  I understand the road is difficult and hope fades.  I understand all those things . . . I see them every day and have experienced much pain myself.  But even in my darkest hours, I know I’ve never had to take up anything as horrific as an actual cross, that dying to self can’t happen without hurt, and this world truly is not my home.